The Goal Is Not Obedience

Over and over and over again, I say this clearly: The goal should not be obedience.

    I stand firmly by that.

As an Authoritative Parenting Coach, I often start by challenging the assumption that obedient children are the goal. Many of us were raised to believe that good parenting equals compliance, quiet, and rule following without question.

It does not.

We want critical thinkers who act rightly because it is right.

    Because they have a strong moral compass.
    Because they care about the impact of their actions.
    Because they know their goodness.

When we show a child their goodness, they rise to it.

Children live into the story we tell about them, both spoken and unspoken.

What do they believe you believe about them?

    What labels do we use, directly or indirectly?
    What assumptions are they absorbing?

Let every day, every hour, every moment be a clean slate.

Know their goodness.

All goodness, in children and adults, lives on the other side of a regulated nervous system. Dysregulation blocks access to who we really are.

The Confession

Now, I have a confession.

I have obedient children, AS IN.

    They follow rules.

    They are considerate of others.
    They have good manners.
    They do what they are told.

    And, of course, they are not perfect.

This is where people get confused. "Obedience" was never the goal. It is simply a byproduct.

(SPECIAL NOTE: As a parenting coach, I make a clear distinction between obedience  and discipleship. I am not focused on raising children who simply comply. I am focused on raising disciples who follow because they trust, respect, and experience consistency between how I live and what I ask of them. I have written a separate post that explores this distinction more deeply, which you can read here: https://www.thirddoorfamily.com/we-are-raising-disciples-not-obedient-children. For the purposes of this post, I will use the term obedience to describe children following rules, being considerate, and doing what they are told.)

When you build a strong relationship, teach clear communication skills, and model the way you want your children to show up in the world, your child’s "listening" is rooted in trust. Not obedience rooted in fear or control. Not compliance driven by pressure or punishment.

    But cooperation rooted in connection.
    Guidance followed because the relationship feels safe.
    Leadership respected because it is consistent and regulated.

Children follow leaders they feel safe with. That safety is built through emotional regulation, clarity, and follow through. It is earned.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

My kids call me out

My children call me out when I am short tempered, disrespectful, condescending, or out of alignment. They are allowed to.

I set the standard for how we treat one another, and if I expect respect, I must model it. Leadership requires congruence.

My kids know I'm in their corner.

They trust my “no” means “no.” I do not toss "no" around and then backtrack. And when I slip on this, I feel the repercussions and tighten back up. My kids need to be able to predict outcomes. Consistency is key.

I am always looking to find a “yes,” while knowing there are plenty of “no’s” my child needs to learn how to handle. I want to shape a mindset of abundance, not scarcity. We practice finding the “yes” when it exists. I'm on their team, I want what they want.

For example:  “Can I have another cookie?”
    Absolutely. After dinner. I’ll set it aside for you.

Or: “Can I have a sleepover?”
    Let’s plan that for Saturday, since it’s a school night.

This is how children learn flexibility, trust, and resilience.
They experience both support and limits, without confusion.

My kids know how to keep communication open.

I can also choose to stay in negotiation, or I can end it. My children know exactly what that sounds like: “I’m not changing my mind.”

Said calmly and uncharged. (A life saving phrase modeled to me by a dear friend).

But meltdowns, whining, and repeating themselves in dysregulation always lead to a dead end.

Clear, calm communication is the only path forward.

It may not get them exactly what they want every time, but more often than not, it gets them closer. And just as importantly, it teaches them how to ask in a way that works.

That is a skill they will carry far beyond childhood.

My kids are kids

Let's be real, “Get your shoes on.” is NOT a one and done all the time. But, no matter what, it does not end with me being upset, resentful, or telling myself a story that my kids don’t listen. I offer support, and it gets done. There is no other outcome available.

If teeth need to be brushed, they get brushed. With patience. With accommodation. With support. But we brush them.

When mom says something, it happens.

And here is the most important part: At the end of it, no matter what went down or what it looked like, my child is still a good kid.

He will not walk away believing anything different about himself.

I know his goodness. I can see who he is becoming. I hold that for him like a gift from God, something I was entrusted with keeping safe until he can carry it himself.

In helping my children "listen", I instill in them the belief that they are people who collaborate, problem solve, and get things done.

The Power of Connection

I build real relationship with my kids.

Every once in a while, my son likes to pose "what would you do if I..." questions.

    "Mom, what if I just didn’t go to school? What would you do?" Or, "What if I threw all the food on the floor?"

He knows all about my parenting, and sometimes he is genuinely confused about what I would do, because I never threaten, yell, or punish.

But I know a secret.

  Humans are hardwired for connection.

Children are always seeking connection. If connection, even in the form of negative attention, comes through resistance, disobedience, or disruption, then that is how they will seek it.

Because I practice transparent parenting, I show my son all my cards. So when he asks his “what would you do if I...” questions, I answer honestly. I tell him, “I would ask you what was going on for you. I know your heart. I know who you are. If you were doing something like that, something must be happening for you. I would want to understand so I could support you.”

That is leadership.

    Not fear.
    Not control.
    Not obedience for obedience’s sake.

Relationship. Regulation. Clarity. Accountability.
    And an unwavering belief in a child’s goodness.

That is how children grow into people who do the right thing, even when no one is watching.

Reflection Questions

• When my child is not “listening,” what story do I tell myself about them, and how might that story shape how I show up in the moment?
• In what ways do I model the behavior, tone, and regulation I expect from my child, especially when I am tired, stressed, or triggered?
• How clear and steady is my leadership? Do my boundaries feel consistent and calm, or do they shift depending on my mood, energy, or fear of conflict?
• If I trusted my child’s goodness completely, how might I respond differently during moments of resistance, frustration, or disconnection?